Beach Maintenance

The previously reported beach errosion is being fixed - pictures of big boys toys for the kids.

Still busy

Came back from the beach yesterday, lunch in Prezzo then admin work until close of play.

Today, looking after Felix in the morning, lunch, then to Adams to deliver his birthday present, then (hopefully) back to the beach for the weekend before back here on Monday to babysit Gus and Felix (their Dad is off to a client meeting I think).

MABEL should have been anti-fouled yesterday and dropped (not literally I hope) back in the water today. Wonder what I'll find when I get to the Yacht Club moorings?

Just before I left the beach house earlier in the week I helped deliver John Thorpes boat out to its mooring at the end of the Twizzle. Lovely boat, (SCORCHER.) Just been repainted brilliant white and red. Loads of Nav gear and plenty of space to walk around the decks. Should have got a picture, will get one and update this blog entry when I get a chance.

Here they are.

Moving Miss MABEL

Went up to Wisbech yesterday evening to be in the right place to pick up MABEL from Bobs workshop where he's been making a new teak floor for her.

Stayed at the Rose & Crown Hotel in the town centre. I know that it takes a massive amount of money to keep old buildings looking smart but it also seems criminal to let one deteriorate to this extent. Still, just staying for B&B was no real hardship.

Trailered MABEL back to Walton and left her in Halls Boatyard to be cleaned and anti-fouled ready for launching next week (hopefully).

Bobs workshop is wonderful, all the old-fashioned but professional tools you could wish for (a lot handmade) together with a radio, leather easy chair and a bottle of Pussers rum handy.

Drove home picked up Dee then straight round to Alex & Tim's for tea.

Busy busy day

Felix joined us for the forenoon.

Did some laundry sorting.

Did lunch.

Started to doze a little.

Then home.

A Few High Street Garden Shots

Weekend at home

Stayed at home today because we're babysitting August & Felix tonight.

Tim, Meg, Adam & Owen came round before lunch and had a snack. It was supposedly the hottest day of the year so far. Lunch in the garden then a walk to the common where there is a fair.

Market square was busy.

Fair is just beyond the car park.

Loads of rides and stuff.

Here's one of the trains for Adam.

Coastal Drift

We walked along the beach before breakfast this morning and were surprised to see just how much sand had been scoured away from the sea wall exposing the old ?Victorian? wall (since covered with concrete).

There is a whole row of new beach huts up at Sunny Point.

Crane in The Square

Great excitement this Sunday as a huge mobile crane arrived to do some construction work on a shop in the town square. Loads of folk standing watching and taking pics.

Visit to Southwold

Went for a drive to Southwold today.

Lunch at the SWAN.

Too cold to walk far (still snow on the ground).

Still some beach huts available at between £40 and £60,000 each.

Snow at the seaside

Came to the beach yesterday via Frankie & Benny's and Gus's (to drop off his eggs).

We knew that the weather wasn't going to be great but had already booked lunch today at the Yacht Club and, what the hell, the surf was going to be terrific, big waves, strong winds, just right for a walk on the beach (going with the wind not against it of course).

Woke up this morning to a light dusting of snow which looks as if it could get worse and may even stick for a day or two.

Staying here till Wednesday morning (new mirrors arriving).

Banks, Housing, Foreign Properties, Buy-To-Let, Reposessions etc.

Everyone under the sun seems to be having their say on the “Banking Crisis” and its subsequent knock-on in housing. I know that I have been saying it (it’ll all end in tears) for a couple of years now but if you say it for long enough it’s bound to happen eventually. What is the root cause? GREED, GREED and MORE GREED writ large and SHOUTED from the highest point. Lets look at a few more subtle underlying causes. Me, subtle, you might think that, I couldn’t possibly comment.

1. IRRESPONSIBLE LENDERS

At one time not so long ago the market was awash with money to lend and lenders were fighting amongst themselves to take on new customers.

It ain’t rocket science, but if you pay anyone commission for selling ‘products’ they will sell them come hell or high water to keep their jobs even if they are inappropriate to the needs of the buyer (as with higher mortgages than can be afforded).

Where do you think the TV adverts got their idea for prattish bankers promoting foregn call centres and free bubble lights from? Real people in the financial services sector unfortunately. I've met some of them.

Bring back the old style bank managers and staff (without sales targets) I say.
Let them handle all a customers accounts (private and company) so that they get the full picture and don't risk their investors money

Maybe introducing a strict Risk Assessment processes would help? But would some of these executives (who pick up massive bonuses for failing) know what Risk Assessment is?

Time was (when you got tax relief on the interest) you had to justify what you wanted loan money for (and some extensions didn’t always qualify).

Now it seems that some folk are extending their mortgages for additional houses, new cars (4X4’s), replacing perfectly good kitchens and bathrooms, multiple holidays, school fees, designer handbags and Jimmy Choo shoes. The world’s gone mad.

A house should primarily be a home and not an investment. If it makes money and allows you to buy bigger and better then fine, but that should be a secondary consideration. Chances are however that any increase in equity on the one you want to sell (after you’ve extended) is matched or outstripped by the cost of the one you want to buy (especially after paying stamp duty etc.)

2. BLAME IT ON MAGGIE
Maggie’s ‘right-to-buy’ and the sell-off of council houses gave everyone (even those not equipped to handle ownership of a major asset) the delusion that they were just “as good” as everyone else even if they were broke, unemployed, poorly educated, without ambition or lacking any determination to succeed. YES I agree that even these individuals MUST have the same rights and MUST be given the same respect as everyone else but sorry NO everyone isn’t equal and, at times, the unable MUST be protected from themselves.

3. BUY TO LET
The buy-to-let market was always a potential house of cards, it didn’t need a genius to see that but programmes such as the housing ladder and homes under the hammer fuelled the belief that anyone could become a property developer and make loadsa money overnight. Sorry, it doesn’t happen that way except for the very few visionaries who got in before the masses and then got out quick. Everyone else should stop thinking about get-rich-quick ideas, get a proper job and pay income tax instead of picking up benefit handouts.

Now there is a glut of properties and repossessions (especially flats) in what used to be areas where no one with realistically achievable aspirations for a better life would choose to live (like London Docklands, Ipswich Waterfront, Manchester, Liverpool and Leeds). Gun and drug culture is rife in all these places and no amount of trendy cafes and bars will make them ideal for fnormal' families.

However, wherever someone looses money someone else spots an opportunity to make it. There may be bargains to be had in a few months time especially if you don’t have anything to sell, have money available and can move quickly based on solid research and due diligence.

4. FOREIGN PROPERTY

The Spanish property boom is, in my opinion (and that’s worth as much as anyone elses) well and truly over. There’s a glut of new ones let alone older ones. Not much appears to be selling even at supposedly knock down prices. I am told by those suffering that service charges are increasing at a rate of knots (but the standard of service received doesn’t seem to keep pace.)

Why did / do folk want to go there?

The booze used to be cheaper (not any longer.)
Fags were cheap (especially if you went over the border into Gib).
Villas and apartments were cheaper than a similar property (if you could find one) near a beach in the UK.

Yes I appreciate that the weather can be wonderful.
Yes air travel was cheap (but for how much longer?)

Air travel, even if you go first or club class, (which isn’t cheap) is an even bigger hassle than it used to be with all the extra security and restrictions on baggage. I’ve seen cows and pigs transported with more care and consideration than I’ve had in Easyjet and Ryannair Cattle class.

Let’s face it, most of the folks who bought with the objective of renting out their villas and apartments for part of the year couldn’t really afford them in the first place. Some even took out foreign mortgages without reckoning on exchange rate costs and fluctuations (proving that a little knowledge is still a dangerous thing.)

Having seen some of the properties, the build quality was less than one might expect in the UK.
Some even look like they were thrown up by amateurs (probably failed IT consultants?.) Do you get an equivalent to an NHBC guarantee (for what little good they are) in the rest of the EU?. What’s a guarantee worth anyway if the builder, developer, agent has gone bust or simply disappeared? Even the old saying of ‘Buyer beware’ isn’t good enough in these times.
Gone is the principle of; “My word is my bond”. You just can’t trust anyone today (see recent examples of UK solicitors involved in worthless share selling boiler rooms). Land grabs and town hall corruption are another story altogether. You’d be a fool to trust UK Local Government officials. Trust the foreign Johnnys and you may be certifyable.

My rant (if that's the way you prefer to see it) is now over but I reserve the right to come back to it if Barclays, Nationwide etc. go down the tubes (is the recent bad publicity all just a traders hype and scam?).

Result

One the way to lunch yesterday we (Dee & Me) browsed a couple of charity shops (Walden is full of them). After compaining that Dee was about to buy even more junk when we still have a shed full to get rid of following our move, I found this.

Almost new MUSTO sailing salopettes. A few bob off £10. GREAT. Just the thing to stop the wind whistling up your estuary. They are also useful for cleaning the car (wearing them not using them as a wet rag), fishing, walking anywhere (but especially on the beach) and just generally slobbing about in. Bargain of the year I say.

West Herts NHS Trust and Stuff

Long drive to Hemel Hempstead today for a client meeting. Took the M11 and M25 WRONG. Next time I'll use the back roads via Hatfield. Spent most of the evening and this morning preparing a draft proposal and strategy update. 'Spoke' to JohnC who is currently in Singers but should be back in time to start the project (if it goes ahead). All this morning - working on P11D stuff (that I shouldn't need to be doing). Into every life a little rain must fall but I'm not happy about monsoons. Off to lunch at The Cricketers (Jamie's Dad's place) then meeting up with the aircon enginner to see if the basement needs improving.

Beware the relentless bureaucrats

This is a cautionary tale for anyone buying a new or replacement vehicle at a motor trader's (garage to you and me). YOU ARE AT RISK OF RECEIVING A FINE OF £80 or even (perhaps) a visit from debt collectors or, in the extreme, a prison sentence if you allow the garage to do any paperwork on your behalf (i.e. provide an administration service that you might reasonably expect).

I recently (October '07) bought a new car from a local garage who took my old one in part exchange. I left completion of the paperwork (sending off the old and new change of ownership details (Form V53/C) to the DVLA (Driver Vehicle & Licensing Authority)) to the garage staff.

Now, just in case you're thinking the garage was an 'Arthur Dailey' type dodgy deals place,.... It wasn't. It was a main dealership with a high turnover of vehicles (about 10 per week so they tell me).

The first I knew that something might be amiss was back in December '07 when I received a form from DVLA asking me why I hadn't re-registered the car. I filled out the details, told them I had sold it in October and gave the garage details.

Then, on the 4th of February '08 I received a letter (dated 31st January) acknowledging my previous response but saying that I had been issued with a Late Licensing Penalty of £80.

I rang them and spoke to Stephanie. Went through all the details. Could they have lost the form? "Don't think so but even if we did you are still responsible". Was told "Form V53/C is a legal document. You should have read the instructions on the back of section 9 (the yellow part). If you hadn't received an acknowledgement from us within 4 weeks you should have chased us. You are responsible for making sure that we are efficient".

I couldn't believe that, not only are the DVLA refusing to accept that they might make mistakes but they also make the 'customer' responsible for their failures. A typical case of 'Heads I win, tails you loose' thinking.

(Incidentally, the instruction to chase them for an acknowledgement is on the reverse of the yellow part - (remember? that has to be sent to them) - so having sent it you have nothing to put in your 'pending' tray to remind you. Poor form design or what?) Wonder what would have happened if I had died in the interim period? Who would be responsible for either chasing them or paying the fine then? Would they have crushed the car anyway?

I decided to check more facts and rang the garage.

They have a system, all forms go to the DVLA each Friday. The form (yellow part) had not been left in their file accidentally and the form for the new car must have been sent off at the same time because DVLA returned the updated Registration Certificate to me. The garage decided to plead my/their case by letter and faxed the Customer Services Dept of DVLA.

I documented the whole issue and sent an e-mail to the address on the DVLA website. After a day it came back to me saying.........

"Thank you for your email. I am sorry, but DVLA Swansea do not deal with matters of enforcement". (No joined up thinking there then.) "In order to address this issue, please write to the office that has sent the correspondence to you".

I decided that if I wrote, then I might also be responsible for chasing them for a response so I decided to try email again. I was determined to get my thoughts (and anger) in front of someone in authority ASAP so I rang them (at least their phones seem to be fairly well manned).

A very helpful lady told me that 'Enforcement' don't have an email address of their own but you can email 'csm.dvla@gtnet.gov.uk' (Customer Services Manager) I did. Mr Broom, DVLA Customer Services Manager came back with an almost instant response telling me that my 'complaint' had been forwarded to the relevant department and that they would "reply to me within 10 working days".

Great. That conveniently takes us past the early payment deadline of 16th of February when I might still get away with paying £40 instead of £80. (I stress that my paying anything will be under extreme duress. I am currently of the opinion that I would rather go to prison for a few days than pay something which is patently unfair).

It used to be that laws were made to potentially punish the ungodly and dissuade them from transgression. These days it seems to be all about generating revenue and upsetting normally law-abiding citizens.

The morals of the story (if there can be one in this crazy immoral environment)

a)
Don't trust anyone to do anything on your behalf which you may be responsible for;

b)
Get a lawyer to read everything (and accept responsibility for any poor advice) before you sign it then hand deliver it and get a receipt;

c)
Don't assume that having been compliant to the best of your ability that some faceless bureaucrat won't still want to charge you something for a minor infringement (it's almost as if they are on commission for the number of people they upset).

and finally.....

Nil carborundum illegitimii.

7/2/08 am.

Received an email from the DVLA Brand Management Team Central Marketing and Market Research asking me to remove the DVLA logo from the top of this blog entry - have done. Seems that policing things like this are given a higher priority than answering real issues.

7/2/08 pm.

Ever been made to feel that what you have said might be strictly correct but could also be a bit blunt? I have now had several electronic conversaions with a very nice lady (I sincerely hope) from the above dept (Lynne Joseph). Her words, stance and attitude calmed me down considerably. She was reason and logic personified. A great PR spokesperson. Any bosses at the DVLA listening? She deserves either promotion or a raise. Obviously she can't fix the main issue (not her job) but her sympathy was so appreciated.

13/2/08

An acknowledgement for a change of ownership arrived in the post this morning. Great I thought, until I looked at the date - 4/2/08 (it had been forwarded from our old address). So I rang DVLA. No joy. Seems that the acknowledgement has to be BEFORE the original fine letter date to count. The original letter from them was January. I still wait to hear their decision.

19/2/08

Two things happened today in this continuing saga.

First, I opened the post to find yet another letter from Swansea dated 11/2/08 thanking me for advising them of a change of ownership.

Second I received an email dated as today from Poole telling me that due to data protection restrictions they aren't allowed to send a detailed response to my query / complaint via email and that a full written response is in the overland post. Doesn't sound too hopeful otherwise they could just have said "let's forget it". I wait to be surprised. Think I'll send the whole of this diary back to them just in case they don't know in the left hand of Poole what the right hand of Swansea is doing. Will also send an email to Ruth Kelly at Dept for Transport. Don't expect a positive response but you never know.

21/2/08

The jury's decision (their letter dated 19th) arrived today. Someone appears to have gone to a lot of trouble to produce this (it's 3 pages long) but they may have boilerplate text already prepared (if there are a lot of peoople like me). I rang and asked them to fully explain (in a letter) the consequences of my failure to pay this highway robbery and await their advice.

22/2/08

The SAAB garage (Cambridge SAAB for those of you looking for someone who gives REAL customer service) have agreed to pay the fine for me. Great news but slighly diappointing as I was quite looking forward to being someone's 'cell-bitch' for a week or two. No experience is ever wasted and we should take every opportunity to expand our outlook. So, seems like an end to this story (I was becoming VERY bored of it anyway). Onwards and upwards.

John Barleycorn Duxford

Since we (Dee and I) haven't been working full-time we have had more time to enjoy ourselves. One of the trips we make on a regular basis is to Scotsdales's Garden Centre near Cambridge. On the way there we have started to revisit (used to do it when the kids were small) a pub (John Barleycorn) in Duxford. Great food, busy most of the time and reasonable prices for efficient service. As you can see it is old, traditional and the toilets are clean.

Loadsa Birthdays

It was Felix's birthday on the 17th and Meg's on the 18th.

We have another artist in the family.

Going Dutch in East Anglia

The tolerance that had previously existed between the native English and Dutch communities in East Anglia exploded last night. Tulips were pulled from window boxes. Waxy cheese was taken from shops and violently thrown into the road where it failed to break or squash or change shape in any way, further enraging the Anti-Dutch feeling among the rioters.

The Dutch community has been criticized for its failure to integrate with English society; ‘They insist on wearing their clogs to schools and offices, as if the rest of us should make an exception for them just because they are from the Netherlands" said one elderly English resident. "I mean I’m not racialist, but these Dutchies come over here, buy up our traditional English semis, and turn them into windmills. Then another they move in next door, and before you know it, the whole street is full of em, riding bicycles, and reclaiming large areas of land from the sea with a complex network of dykes, canals and pumping stations."

Although resentment against windmills and land reclamation is rampant, no actual evidence of recent projects have been identified within England’s East Anglian Dutch ghettoes.

The government has hinted that it may soon become a statutory offence to incite anti-Dutch hatred, with a possible prison sentence for anyone making weak jokes about ‘fingers in the dyke’ or 'the Amsterdam Cannabis bar that kicked someone out for smoking a cigarette'.

However, some politicians have angered Dutch community leaders by saying that if people from the Netherlands want to come and settle in the United Kingdom, they will have to integrate and learn to speak the language like everyone else. "At the moment they insist on speaking impeccable English" claimed the Home Secretary, "failing to make a single grammatical mistake, double negative or clumsy malapropism." "It's just not good enough."

The big clean up had begun this morning, but the mood remains anxious. A spokesperson or the National Geographic magazine said ...."All it would take is for some drunken English lads to turn up here tonight saying that ‘Holland’ and ‘The Netherlands’ are completely synonymous, and it’ll all kick off again."

Christmas at Home, New Year at the Beach

Whole family joined us for New Year's Eve at the beach.

Late Night Shopping in S/Walden

Don't think there was much shopping done. More of a charity event everyone comes to town for. Pubs were full though. Great little band.

Experienced (from the sidelines) what seemed to me needlessly aggressive policing (around under age booze purchasing.) Verbatim conversation......

Local mini-mart around 8pm.
One of two policemen........"How old are you?" (to a young woman who was obviously in her twenties.) "21 aren't I Mother?" "Yes she is" (said Mother). "Born on xxxx"

Constable turns to shopkeeper. "You just sold a yoof some alcohol"
Shopkeeper "He showed me his passport."
Constable "No he didn't" What did he look like?"

I came away thinking that the short, unshaven guardian of the local peace needed to learn a few interpersonal skills. His performance was unlikely to endear him to the community at large. I've seen more politeness from SWAT team members in Eastern Europe.

Walton & Frinton Yacht Club Annual Dinner Dance

Wasn't sure what this 'do' would be like but turned out to be a good bash

Life moves on

Finally seem to be feeling quite settled at the new house. Went to Alex and Tim's for a bonfire and 40th birthday party (Tim's) yesterday. Great!! All the old favourites, treacle toffee, jacket spuds etc. Meg, August, Adam, and Owen all enjoyed themselves.

Ready to move house

Continued to burn, dump and pack household stuff ready for the move next Friday. Rubbish TV in the evening. Liberal Party Conference season. Can't claim total credit for the following but.......

The Liberal Democrats have shocked political observers with a, for once, honest assessment of their electoral chances. It left them voting to ‘go home and not bother any more.’

In the past the party has had a reputation for avoiding spin, and many delegates had felt uncomfortable about continually pretending they were ever going to form a government.

‘We’re all wasting our time. We know it, you know it, everyone knows it’ said leader Menzies Campbell to applause from the conference floor.

In the bars around the conference, there was a sense of relief and liberation that delegates could finally say out loud what they had all been thinking for years.

‘We tried to look convincing when we said we would ‘shatter the smug consensus of the big two parties and win!’ said one West Country councillor. ‘But if we were trying to be honest we should have said ‘we were going to take a few votes off the others and then come a poor third. I mean it’s not much of a cause to devote your entire life to is it?’

At a ‘Liberals for the Environment’ fringe meeting the mood was the same; ‘Having taken the decision to carbon off-set the conference, we thought ‘Wouldn’t it be more carbon-neutral just not to have a conference at all?’ Wouldn’t it save more trees, and paper and everything just to stay at home and muck around on ebay?’

Other delegates were looking forward to doing evening classes or learning to play the piano. ‘I have spent every weekend for years stuffing leaflets through letter boxes and ringing on doorbells’ said one activist. ‘I might just have a lie-in on Saturday and then go shopping.’

However one small group of die-hard Liberals have announced their determination to carry on. The breakaway splinter group calling themselves ‘the Continuity / Provisional Liberal Party’ held a press conference to announce their intention to break the mould of traditional three party politics. ‘For too long Labour, Tory and the old Liberal Democrats ran a convenient little cartel that was short-changing the British voters’ they declared to groans from journalists. ‘We will shatter that cosy conspiracy and form the next government of Britain! Actually we won’t, will we? Let’s go to the pub instead.’

Getting to be a habit?

Air Sea Rescue Practice from our balcony

Had lunch and went down to the club to check out how Mabel had fared overnight. I think someone had sorted her out as there was another little boat tied up alongside. Good to know that people care enough to look after things for you in the dead of night (high tide was about 2am this morning) but I suppose that's yachty types for you.

Instead of just moving her along to the correct berth, as the weather was so wonderful, and I didn't have anything better to do anyway, I decided to go for a little trip up the coast. Found a vacant buoy and tied up for an hour or so to do some tidying-up after yesterdays hurried end to the day.


That done, back to the mooring. Making an excellent job of going astern into a slot only a couple of inches wider than Mabel and the bloody mobile rings. Just about to blast the wife and tell her (as tactfully as I could manage - which isn't very much) that I would ring back when I didn't have my hands full. It turned out to be the safety officer at the club.


"There's a yellow Pico dingy in trouble just across the way from you, would you mind bringing him back to shore?"


Mobiles are rapidly replacing all previous forms of comms. Obviously we still need Marine Channel 16 for emergencies but there may be a time when someone even fixes this shortfall.


Dragged the dingy back to base, made another exemplary reverse approach, (I know -sad isn't it) tied up, cleaned up and home for tea. Another perfick day.

The Naze Cliffs

A friend-in-need is a Bloody Nuisance

Arrived at the Beach House around 14:30 and, as the tide was in, decided to go for a quick sail (motor actually - new mast not yet fitted).

Went round the island and saw the seals (nearly went aground as I couldn't see the marker twigs).

On the way back (pushing it a bit to get back before I ran out of water) just off Stone Point (where these pics were taken), answered the call of two Pico dinghy sailors (dad and daughter in one, mum in the other) who were struggling and obviously wouldn't get back to the harbour before low tide.

Took them in tow rafted alongside Mabel so the rest of journey had to be quite slow.

Landed them alongside the clubhouse but couldn't get into my own berth.

Dragged Mabel up onto the mud and tied up (untidily) in someone elses slot, had a pint and went home for tea. Must get back there early tomorrow to check that everything is still OK.

Grandkids First Boating Experience

The Porter Family joined me on Mabel for the first time this weekend. maybe next time we will all go out on Amy (Silhouette) or Wild Maid (Finesse). Need to plan a trip round the backwaters to see the seals.

Lifeboat Weekend

It was a 'Bless The Lifeboat' weekend at the Yacht Club recently. Thought you might like to see some of the pics.

Patience rewarded (nearly)

After a new cylinder head had been fiited, finally took delivery of Mabel late today (tide too low to get off the pontoon though). High tide tomorrow is at 12:37 which means that between 10:37 and 14:37 I should be able to get out of and get back into dock for her first sea trials. Here are some pics taken this evening.

Patience is a virtue (so I'm told)

No waitin here Luv!

She probably thought it was a RoRo Boat.

Still waiting for the trip out in Mabel. French Marine up at Titchmarsh's Marina have to refit the repaired engine. Seems they have had more pressing (probably more lucrative) jobs to do, and they've only got one engineer, he has another job in London, and he's going on holiday etc. etc.

Maybe Monday? Maybe Thursday? Bugger!

Cut the grass and paint the step instead.

Advance Birthday Present

Saw this little Norfolk Coastal Launch (Mabel built by Vic Pratt of Kings Lynn in 1996) down at the yacht club earlier this week. Bought it, subject to a trial trip out to Harwich later today (with current owner and Bob Nicholson). Will report back with more pics later. Chuffed - you bet - whose a lucky boy then?

Busy weekend

The 1965 MGB Roadster went for sale on eBay yesterday at:

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&ih=012&sspagename=STRK%3AMESE%3AIT&viewitem=&item=220113298764&rd=1&rd=1

Also Meg and Adam came to stay for the weekend. They played with Lego (the old toys still seem to be favourite,) kicked the newly inflated football and rugby ball and drove the Gator (like boy racers on speed).

I am told that we will all be going to Scotsdales nurseries later. And here we are.

Ostrich Beach

Found this Freddy Mercury look-alike head on the beach on the way back from town where we had been to The Victory pub for a swift one before lunch. The Victory is 'probably' the best pub in town at the moment - clean, professionally run and friendly. If Gaz had been here he may have saved the head - I left it looking like an adult had woken up to find the kids had been busy.

Boris does a Kate

Armed police were forced to intervene at the Oxford Street launch of the latest celebrity fashion range, after Boris Johnson's 'Intensity' collection sparked scenes of near-riot among the 250,000 shoppers crammed into British Home Stores' flagship store.

A Met spokesman said order was only restored when the MP for Henley-on-Thames personally addressed the crowd with an emotional plea to "come on, chaps".

More than 30 fans of the politician were injured in the "mad scramble" once doors opened at 8.00 am Tuesday morning. Many had rushed to secure a limited edition set of ivory bicycle clips or a £150 tea-stained woollen jacket emblazoned with the logo 'My Humblest Apologies to the People of Liverpool'.

BHS owner Philip Green secured the Johnson deal in a major coup for the retailer. He was triumphant yesterday: "Boris has got the kind of scarcely describable sex appeal that will shift this crap by the cartload."

He faces competition from rival Matalan after the cut-price clothing store hit back with a celebrity deal of its own. Police reported no incidents though as 12 customers battled to snap up Tessa Jowell's new line of erotic swimwear.

Fou en tant que chapelier

Talk about them not all being locked up yet. You know I don't have much time for any persuasion of politician and a recent interview by Boris Johnson only serves to confirm my suspicions that they should all be locked up.

His contention is that.....The overcrowding in the south east could be solved simply by repatriation to the former areas of France that England used to own. When was that? Yonks ago (1558) The areas? Artois, Normandy and Aquitaine and loads of other bits.

He says...... "In one sense, the economic arguments are overwhelming. The population density in southern England is about four times greater than much of northern France; and the central point is that our house prices, by comparison with those in France, are therefore demented. We have a position in which millions of desperate consumers are separated from the commodities they need by a paltry stretch of water, and in their desperation they are preparing to carve into what is left of the southern English countryside."

Boris is a fan of the TV soap Emmerdale which is set in the Yorkshire countryside. Following a request to audition for a cameo part in the programme he was so impressive that Emmerdale chiefs immediately offered him a proper role in the programme. From May 2007 Boris is set to appear on TV screens as yet another relative of the Dingle family.

As Darius Dingle, an entrepreneur fallen on hard times, Boris will play a character who comes to live at Lisa and Zak Dingle's farm. He is soon persuaded by cousin Eli to boost his income by perpetrating an audacious "Raffles" style burglary at Home Farm (owned by the nefarious King Family).

More Xenophobia

A major European crisis erupted in Southern Spain yesterday after thousands of British ex-pats living in the Marbella region declared independence from Madrid, pledging their allegiance to the British crown, and asserting their historical right to self determination as part of the United Kingdom of Great Britain, Northern Ireland and the Costa del Sol.


The declaration was made at the Benny Hill Bar in Benidorm, as patriotic Brits asserted their right to march through nationalist areas of Spain wearing Union Jack shorts singing ‘Agadoo’ and the theme from ‘The Great Escape’.

Spanish police had previously banned the symbolic British late night conga following last year’s riots when they provoked Spanish citizens by shouting "Oi Manuel, this Basil, this slap on head!"

The British community living on the Mediterranean coast has historically remained very separate from the rest of the Spain, symbolically clinging to their own language, describing the native cuisine as ‘foreign muck’ and only watching the English Premiership while drinking fizzy British bitter. The community consists mainly of elderly Daily Express readers talking about how much they got for their house in England, former lottery winners and retired gangland criminals who moved to Spain to avoid extradition.




One Conservative backbenchers welcomed the declaration; ‘Our people have been persecuted by the Spanish for long enough. Why should they have to pay in Euros and have road signs in kilometres? Britain should be prepared to send troops to defend this part of Britain if necessary.’




The Spanish government has so far refused to discuss any form of power-sharing between Britain and Spain for the Costa del Sol, suggesting that if the Brits want to be ruled by Britain, they should go back and live there. "Oh no, we wouldn’t want to go back to England…" responded one British ex-pat. "It’s full of foreigners."

Smoke and Mirrors

Just a few weeks to go now before the UK-wide exclusion zone is setup. I stopped (after a lifetime) about 18 months ago. Am I better for it? I hope so. Haven't noticed any major benefits as yet (in fact I have been sicker!! (sic) during this period than in any other (but that could be down to my age). I am NOT a crusading ex-smoker. If folk want to smoke then I think that they shouldn't be penalised or restricted from doing so and I don't mind others smoking around me.

And today...... The National Institute for Clinical Excellence (NICE) is recommending that smokers be given time off work to get over their adiction. Great. I think they should also make the same concessions to over eaters and excessive drinkers. Perhaps a case could also be made for other 'addictions' (which could have an impact on your health or the health of others around you) such as fishing, sailing, tiddlewinks, and keeping fit?

They (NICE) say there is a spreadsheet on their website which employers can use to 'cost-justify' the time off. Take a look at it. A study in supposition. Assumptions made without any supporting facts. Probably created by some gap-year student. Just shows that you can 'prove' anything with figures if you really want to. They're not all locked up yet.

Barbeque at Michelle and Gaz's last night - worse for wear - slept in this morning. Brunch with Dee and Gaz before heading for the beach. Managed to reconfigure the IP Cameras again (after various router firmware upgrades) so that they are accessible over the Web and send e-mails on montion sensing. Tomorrow should be more constructive and hopefully some more original photos and musings.

The Green Green Grass of Home

The choice of just green or yellow fields in the British countryside is set to widen as farmers are being offered a variety of colours for crops such as mustard or oil seed rape.

Scientists at Monsanto have developed a range of genetically modified plants to allow farmers to express their sensitive side, and soon the British countryside will be a patchwork of pink, purple and blue.

‘My wife and I are looking for a sort of ‘Sahara Dawn’ for the lower field, but will that clash with the next field which we’ve done in ‘Arctic Mint’? pondered Farmer Jim Gregson as he and his wife flicked through the latest colour cards. ‘Next door they have still got yellow oil seed rape, I mean really! That is SO 2006!’

With some cross contamination there has been a certain amount of ‘smudging’ of colours at the edges which has led to some of the more tempermental farmers almost coming to blows.

Other landowners are investigating the possibilities of advertising; one field may soon feature the Nike tick only visible from the air, while on a larger scale discussions are underway between DEFRA and Tesco which may result in the catchphrase ‘Every Little Helps’ being spelt out right across the British Isles for browsers on Google Earth.

For the time being, Henry Temple, an Oxford farmer and leading light in the Countryside Alliance is making a small fortune charging visitors a fee to walk around his portrait in oil seed of Baroness Thatcher. ‘I always admired her,’ he said, ‘and let’s face it, it’s less effort than having to make all those bloody crop circles.’

However there are some concerns that rogue colour genes might contaminate some other crops leading to pink corn on the cob and light blue garden peas. ‘You won’t actually be able to eat the food…’ said Jim Gregson, ‘but at least it will look pretty and that’s half the battle these days.’

Yoof at risk

In a remarkable move, the Home Office has announced that it intends to make it legal for members of the public to hit any young person involved in anti-social behaviour.

"We're calling it Club 18-30 because that's just what it is" said a spokesman. "Any troublemakers falling within that age bracket will be liable to receive percussive rehabilitation at the hands of the law abiding majority.

For too long, people have had to suffer at the hands of happy slappers in hoodies. Now the tables have been turned and a return to the days of policeman clipping youngsters round the ear for scrumping sat-navs is on the cards."

Young people will be forced to carry ID cards, proving that they are outside the age range. If they cannot produce one, they become fair game. Use of this documentation is a fall-back position from the previously recommended first chopice of 'chipping' all babies at birth (micro-chips similar to those used on pet dogs and horses) and the Plan B of tattoing birthdate, DNA profile and criminal record etc. on the tongue.

The move has been widely welcomed by police forces across the country. "Some of our lads get really frustrated", said Sgt Graeme Thomas of West Mercia Constabulary. "Most of our PC's are spoiling for a rumble. They come to us after failing to get into the Marines. Mind you, most of them would probably stuff up the IQ test to join the Ovaltinies." They aint the sharpest knives in the box.

A live trial has already taken place, with city workers in London travelling on the Underground during lunchtimes. Teenagers with loud I-Pods were targeted and any with headphones that went over the crown of the head, had the ear pieces pulled out and then snapped back onto the eardrums. As a result, 'Sucking air through the teeth' incidents have now fallen by over 73%.

The Women's Institute in Moss Side, Manchester, has begun giving training to its members on the use of camera phones. Edna Willis, 84, commented, "If I can catch a decent wedgie on film, it's going straight onto You-Tube."