Going Dutch in East Anglia

The tolerance that had previously existed between the native English and Dutch communities in East Anglia exploded last night. Tulips were pulled from window boxes. Waxy cheese was taken from shops and violently thrown into the road where it failed to break or squash or change shape in any way, further enraging the Anti-Dutch feeling among the rioters.

The Dutch community has been criticized for its failure to integrate with English society; ‘They insist on wearing their clogs to schools and offices, as if the rest of us should make an exception for them just because they are from the Netherlands" said one elderly English resident. "I mean I’m not racialist, but these Dutchies come over here, buy up our traditional English semis, and turn them into windmills. Then another they move in next door, and before you know it, the whole street is full of em, riding bicycles, and reclaiming large areas of land from the sea with a complex network of dykes, canals and pumping stations."

Although resentment against windmills and land reclamation is rampant, no actual evidence of recent projects have been identified within England’s East Anglian Dutch ghettoes.

The government has hinted that it may soon become a statutory offence to incite anti-Dutch hatred, with a possible prison sentence for anyone making weak jokes about ‘fingers in the dyke’ or 'the Amsterdam Cannabis bar that kicked someone out for smoking a cigarette'.

However, some politicians have angered Dutch community leaders by saying that if people from the Netherlands want to come and settle in the United Kingdom, they will have to integrate and learn to speak the language like everyone else. "At the moment they insist on speaking impeccable English" claimed the Home Secretary, "failing to make a single grammatical mistake, double negative or clumsy malapropism." "It's just not good enough."

The big clean up had begun this morning, but the mood remains anxious. A spokesperson or the National Geographic magazine said ...."All it would take is for some drunken English lads to turn up here tonight saying that ‘Holland’ and ‘The Netherlands’ are completely synonymous, and it’ll all kick off again."