Yoof at risk

In a remarkable move, the Home Office has announced that it intends to make it legal for members of the public to hit any young person involved in anti-social behaviour.

"We're calling it Club 18-30 because that's just what it is" said a spokesman. "Any troublemakers falling within that age bracket will be liable to receive percussive rehabilitation at the hands of the law abiding majority.

For too long, people have had to suffer at the hands of happy slappers in hoodies. Now the tables have been turned and a return to the days of policeman clipping youngsters round the ear for scrumping sat-navs is on the cards."

Young people will be forced to carry ID cards, proving that they are outside the age range. If they cannot produce one, they become fair game. Use of this documentation is a fall-back position from the previously recommended first chopice of 'chipping' all babies at birth (micro-chips similar to those used on pet dogs and horses) and the Plan B of tattoing birthdate, DNA profile and criminal record etc. on the tongue.

The move has been widely welcomed by police forces across the country. "Some of our lads get really frustrated", said Sgt Graeme Thomas of West Mercia Constabulary. "Most of our PC's are spoiling for a rumble. They come to us after failing to get into the Marines. Mind you, most of them would probably stuff up the IQ test to join the Ovaltinies." They aint the sharpest knives in the box.

A live trial has already taken place, with city workers in London travelling on the Underground during lunchtimes. Teenagers with loud I-Pods were targeted and any with headphones that went over the crown of the head, had the ear pieces pulled out and then snapped back onto the eardrums. As a result, 'Sucking air through the teeth' incidents have now fallen by over 73%.

The Women's Institute in Moss Side, Manchester, has begun giving training to its members on the use of camera phones. Edna Willis, 84, commented, "If I can catch a decent wedgie on film, it's going straight onto You-Tube."