For IBS Sufferers Everywhere

The Red Lion hotel in Eastbourne was finally reopened to the public after several days of being closed for repairs. Extensive damage was caused after trouble erupted between delegates of two conferences.

The Organisers of the two Conferences blame the hotel and each others delegates. "Our members suffer embarrassment every day with their condition, this weekend was meant to help them with their confidence. Those hooligans have utterly destroyed any confidence left and someone at the hotel thought it would be funny. We intend to sue!" said Tessa Duval, President of the Incontinence and Constipation Sufferers Association.

"The hotel should have seen this coming, they knew what we are like and who the other lot were," said Derek Brown, of the Joker and Prankster Society, "Besides it was like shooting fish in a barrel and we couldn't pass up on it."

"Normally when costs for an event are large, we try to get two events on the same day to share costs. It's what we normally do for a small parties, weddings or discos and it also helps people from separate events to mix. However, we didn't foresee any problems and unfortunately this horrible episode occurred," said Tom Smith, a Red Lion Concierge, sniggering.


One local Pharmacist said "We had a great weekend, trade was up and we're having to restock on our entire range of laxatives. We completely sold out and I know other Pharmacies in the vicinity did as well." Local Supermarkets are also reported to have sold out of Asparagus.


A couple staying at the Red Lion said "Mess was everywhere, people running around holding themselves looking for an available toilet. We even had people knocking on our room door at 3am asking for some toilet paper as they had run out."


Other residents of the hotel reported they had received serious burns in the shower in the morning as the cold water was not available due to continual flushing of toilets.


"The stains in the carpets came out and toilets were unblocked eventually," said Tom Smith still holding his ribs in agony with continuous laughter. "Although the stench was horrendous, it was worth me booking these two groups together."


It was reported that the Incontinence and Constipation Sufferers got their own back on the Jokers, when several Jokers had left their shoes outside their rooms for cleaning.