Fou en tant que chapelier

Talk about them not all being locked up yet. You know I don't have much time for any persuasion of politician and a recent interview by Boris Johnson only serves to confirm my suspicions that they should all be locked up.

His contention is that.....The overcrowding in the south east could be solved simply by repatriation to the former areas of France that England used to own. When was that? Yonks ago (1558) The areas? Artois, Normandy and Aquitaine and loads of other bits.

He says...... "In one sense, the economic arguments are overwhelming. The population density in southern England is about four times greater than much of northern France; and the central point is that our house prices, by comparison with those in France, are therefore demented. We have a position in which millions of desperate consumers are separated from the commodities they need by a paltry stretch of water, and in their desperation they are preparing to carve into what is left of the southern English countryside."

Boris is a fan of the TV soap Emmerdale which is set in the Yorkshire countryside. Following a request to audition for a cameo part in the programme he was so impressive that Emmerdale chiefs immediately offered him a proper role in the programme. From May 2007 Boris is set to appear on TV screens as yet another relative of the Dingle family.

As Darius Dingle, an entrepreneur fallen on hard times, Boris will play a character who comes to live at Lisa and Zak Dingle's farm. He is soon persuaded by cousin Eli to boost his income by perpetrating an audacious "Raffles" style burglary at Home Farm (owned by the nefarious King Family).

More Xenophobia

A major European crisis erupted in Southern Spain yesterday after thousands of British ex-pats living in the Marbella region declared independence from Madrid, pledging their allegiance to the British crown, and asserting their historical right to self determination as part of the United Kingdom of Great Britain, Northern Ireland and the Costa del Sol.


The declaration was made at the Benny Hill Bar in Benidorm, as patriotic Brits asserted their right to march through nationalist areas of Spain wearing Union Jack shorts singing ‘Agadoo’ and the theme from ‘The Great Escape’.

Spanish police had previously banned the symbolic British late night conga following last year’s riots when they provoked Spanish citizens by shouting "Oi Manuel, this Basil, this slap on head!"

The British community living on the Mediterranean coast has historically remained very separate from the rest of the Spain, symbolically clinging to their own language, describing the native cuisine as ‘foreign muck’ and only watching the English Premiership while drinking fizzy British bitter. The community consists mainly of elderly Daily Express readers talking about how much they got for their house in England, former lottery winners and retired gangland criminals who moved to Spain to avoid extradition.




One Conservative backbenchers welcomed the declaration; ‘Our people have been persecuted by the Spanish for long enough. Why should they have to pay in Euros and have road signs in kilometres? Britain should be prepared to send troops to defend this part of Britain if necessary.’




The Spanish government has so far refused to discuss any form of power-sharing between Britain and Spain for the Costa del Sol, suggesting that if the Brits want to be ruled by Britain, they should go back and live there. "Oh no, we wouldn’t want to go back to England…" responded one British ex-pat. "It’s full of foreigners."

Smoke and Mirrors

Just a few weeks to go now before the UK-wide exclusion zone is setup. I stopped (after a lifetime) about 18 months ago. Am I better for it? I hope so. Haven't noticed any major benefits as yet (in fact I have been sicker!! (sic) during this period than in any other (but that could be down to my age). I am NOT a crusading ex-smoker. If folk want to smoke then I think that they shouldn't be penalised or restricted from doing so and I don't mind others smoking around me.

And today...... The National Institute for Clinical Excellence (NICE) is recommending that smokers be given time off work to get over their adiction. Great. I think they should also make the same concessions to over eaters and excessive drinkers. Perhaps a case could also be made for other 'addictions' (which could have an impact on your health or the health of others around you) such as fishing, sailing, tiddlewinks, and keeping fit?

They (NICE) say there is a spreadsheet on their website which employers can use to 'cost-justify' the time off. Take a look at it. A study in supposition. Assumptions made without any supporting facts. Probably created by some gap-year student. Just shows that you can 'prove' anything with figures if you really want to. They're not all locked up yet.

Barbeque at Michelle and Gaz's last night - worse for wear - slept in this morning. Brunch with Dee and Gaz before heading for the beach. Managed to reconfigure the IP Cameras again (after various router firmware upgrades) so that they are accessible over the Web and send e-mails on montion sensing. Tomorrow should be more constructive and hopefully some more original photos and musings.

The Green Green Grass of Home

The choice of just green or yellow fields in the British countryside is set to widen as farmers are being offered a variety of colours for crops such as mustard or oil seed rape.

Scientists at Monsanto have developed a range of genetically modified plants to allow farmers to express their sensitive side, and soon the British countryside will be a patchwork of pink, purple and blue.

‘My wife and I are looking for a sort of ‘Sahara Dawn’ for the lower field, but will that clash with the next field which we’ve done in ‘Arctic Mint’? pondered Farmer Jim Gregson as he and his wife flicked through the latest colour cards. ‘Next door they have still got yellow oil seed rape, I mean really! That is SO 2006!’

With some cross contamination there has been a certain amount of ‘smudging’ of colours at the edges which has led to some of the more tempermental farmers almost coming to blows.

Other landowners are investigating the possibilities of advertising; one field may soon feature the Nike tick only visible from the air, while on a larger scale discussions are underway between DEFRA and Tesco which may result in the catchphrase ‘Every Little Helps’ being spelt out right across the British Isles for browsers on Google Earth.

For the time being, Henry Temple, an Oxford farmer and leading light in the Countryside Alliance is making a small fortune charging visitors a fee to walk around his portrait in oil seed of Baroness Thatcher. ‘I always admired her,’ he said, ‘and let’s face it, it’s less effort than having to make all those bloody crop circles.’

However there are some concerns that rogue colour genes might contaminate some other crops leading to pink corn on the cob and light blue garden peas. ‘You won’t actually be able to eat the food…’ said Jim Gregson, ‘but at least it will look pretty and that’s half the battle these days.’

Yoof at risk

In a remarkable move, the Home Office has announced that it intends to make it legal for members of the public to hit any young person involved in anti-social behaviour.

"We're calling it Club 18-30 because that's just what it is" said a spokesman. "Any troublemakers falling within that age bracket will be liable to receive percussive rehabilitation at the hands of the law abiding majority.

For too long, people have had to suffer at the hands of happy slappers in hoodies. Now the tables have been turned and a return to the days of policeman clipping youngsters round the ear for scrumping sat-navs is on the cards."

Young people will be forced to carry ID cards, proving that they are outside the age range. If they cannot produce one, they become fair game. Use of this documentation is a fall-back position from the previously recommended first chopice of 'chipping' all babies at birth (micro-chips similar to those used on pet dogs and horses) and the Plan B of tattoing birthdate, DNA profile and criminal record etc. on the tongue.

The move has been widely welcomed by police forces across the country. "Some of our lads get really frustrated", said Sgt Graeme Thomas of West Mercia Constabulary. "Most of our PC's are spoiling for a rumble. They come to us after failing to get into the Marines. Mind you, most of them would probably stuff up the IQ test to join the Ovaltinies." They aint the sharpest knives in the box.

A live trial has already taken place, with city workers in London travelling on the Underground during lunchtimes. Teenagers with loud I-Pods were targeted and any with headphones that went over the crown of the head, had the ear pieces pulled out and then snapped back onto the eardrums. As a result, 'Sucking air through the teeth' incidents have now fallen by over 73%.

The Women's Institute in Moss Side, Manchester, has begun giving training to its members on the use of camera phones. Edna Willis, 84, commented, "If I can catch a decent wedgie on film, it's going straight onto You-Tube."

Caribbean Call Centres

Caribbean countries win a landmark case against EU Jobsworth Protectionism today.

"This is a truly memorable victory for us," said the Jamaican Trade Minister, Charles Winston Wiclef Johnson, III.

Showing no animosity for the EU Trade Minister (Peter Mandelson), Mr Johnson offered..... "I-ney, everything cook and curry, ease-up, we're gonna drink some rum to celebrate and watch the Cricket World Cup, you wanna come and flex man?"

The Jobsworth Protectionism case came from a dispute when a UK Bank attempted to move it's Call Center operations to the Caribbean where the time for answering calls would take even longer, due to the more chilled out pace of life.

A spokeswoman, for Amicus the UK trade union (Joan Simmonds), said "I remember the days when we could tell people 'Sorry I can't change your address over the phone. You need to pop into your nearest branch with proof of id, recent utility bill, a signature from a respectable member of the community and then wait 28 days to see if we do anything."

As Joan was about to contemplate the pace of change over the years she said, "Can you come back in 20 minutes I'm off for my Tea Break."

Trade Unions had lobbied the EU arguing, that by moving operations to the Caribbean Customers would be forced to deal with operators from a different cultural background to the one they were used to.

Reappearing 50 minutes after her Tea Break was supposed to end, Joan explained "Customers are used to us stuffy and unhelpful Jobsworths telling them 'You can't do that' and 'I need to speak to my Supervisor, please hold'. If callers get put through to a Caribbean Call Center can you imagine how they'll react to 'Yeah, I'll get it sorted when I've slept off my hangover.' and 'No need to give me your credit card details, I've got a 'friend' in Kingston who probably already has yours, if not I can sell you somebody else's details for a large drinkie poo'."

The WTO ordered the EU to lift restrictions immediately, but this was never going to be a realistic target. With the deal having to be ratified by all 27 member countries. The 1000 page forms for ending the restriction have to be completed in triplicate and filled using black ink, not navy blue and then translated into the 6 official languages of the EU.

However, (surprisingly) this monumental task was completed and the forms were signed by all 27 member countries just before the midnight deadline. Ministers and delegates alike were stunned but delighted when they were told by the head EU bureaucrat "I'm sorry Monsieur, but we close at 11.30pm on Wednesdays. You also haven't completed the BNR 1/475/2 form. You should come back in 7 days, with the proper paperwork, signed and correctly dated 7 days from now and allow at least 5 years for us to process it."

For IBS Sufferers Everywhere

The Red Lion hotel in Eastbourne was finally reopened to the public after several days of being closed for repairs. Extensive damage was caused after trouble erupted between delegates of two conferences.

The Organisers of the two Conferences blame the hotel and each others delegates. "Our members suffer embarrassment every day with their condition, this weekend was meant to help them with their confidence. Those hooligans have utterly destroyed any confidence left and someone at the hotel thought it would be funny. We intend to sue!" said Tessa Duval, President of the Incontinence and Constipation Sufferers Association.

"The hotel should have seen this coming, they knew what we are like and who the other lot were," said Derek Brown, of the Joker and Prankster Society, "Besides it was like shooting fish in a barrel and we couldn't pass up on it."

"Normally when costs for an event are large, we try to get two events on the same day to share costs. It's what we normally do for a small parties, weddings or discos and it also helps people from separate events to mix. However, we didn't foresee any problems and unfortunately this horrible episode occurred," said Tom Smith, a Red Lion Concierge, sniggering.


One local Pharmacist said "We had a great weekend, trade was up and we're having to restock on our entire range of laxatives. We completely sold out and I know other Pharmacies in the vicinity did as well." Local Supermarkets are also reported to have sold out of Asparagus.


A couple staying at the Red Lion said "Mess was everywhere, people running around holding themselves looking for an available toilet. We even had people knocking on our room door at 3am asking for some toilet paper as they had run out."


Other residents of the hotel reported they had received serious burns in the shower in the morning as the cold water was not available due to continual flushing of toilets.


"The stains in the carpets came out and toilets were unblocked eventually," said Tom Smith still holding his ribs in agony with continuous laughter. "Although the stench was horrendous, it was worth me booking these two groups together."


It was reported that the Incontinence and Constipation Sufferers got their own back on the Jokers, when several Jokers had left their shoes outside their rooms for cleaning.

Enough is enuff or won canoo 2 many

Canoeing 125 miles through the British countryside, running 76 locks and weirs plus coping with blisters, heatstroke, psychotic swans and drunken pleasure boat owners may not be everyone's idea of fun. But for around 600 committed "paddlers", such is the unique appeal of the Devizes to Westminster international canoe race, held every Easter holiday weekend in Britain.

Billed as the world's toughest canoe race, it was conceived some 60 years ago as a bet in a pub near Devizes. Two scouts doubted whether it would be possible to navigate the then derelict Kennet and Avon canal and the River Thames all the way to London and thus another seemingly foolhardy venture was born.

The first two crews to try took 77 hours to reach London, according to the race Web site www.dwrace.org.uk/. Extensive dredging, lock repairs and improved boat technology mean top kayak pairs and singles can complete the course in as little as 15 hours if they opt for the non-stop contest.

Easter Monday saw all 200 competitors in the singles and junior pairs' stage race rising for the 7am tide at Richmond and a relatively short, 17-mile (27.2 km) blast to Westminster Bridge.

Whilst on the subject of useless activities - the Simplified Spelling Society (SSS) is celebrating its 99th birthday by launching a new campaign to make it easier to read and write English.

English may be the world's most universal language but linguistic experts say it has failed to adapt for the last 500 years and now half the globe's English speakers have difficulty spelling.

With texts and e-mails revolutionising the way we communicate, SSS secretary John Gledhill says the time is ripe for phonetic reform and spelling simplification. "Texts cut away the complications and take away the stigma of not being able to use an obsolete spelling," Gledhill said. The SSS message is that: "You can change the spelling without spoiling the language. People are scared of change and don't realise it is normal in language."

Sounds like an excuse for sloppiness to me. Most things that are worthwhile in life take some time to master but there is a no more permanent a demonstration of a poor education (or at least laziness in not using a dictionary or spell-checker) than poor spelling (see many eBay adverts).

Barclays set new security 'High'

Barclays Bank has today announced measures to ensure that customers can withdraw cash from machines as long as they get fairly close with their PIN number.

A spokesman for the High Street bank said that ‘A lot of people have trouble remembering their wife’s birthday never mind their PIN number. In future, as long as people get 2 or 3 digits right in approximately the right order we will allow the transaction.’

However there will be a sliding scale of payments. If you get only two digits out of four, you only get half the money requested.

If you get three correct you get most of the money and a chance to order a new cheque-book.

Failure to get any numbers correct will be met with a helpful response along the lines of ‘Come on, it must be the same number you use for everything – the last four digits of your telephone number or the year you were born.’

Extra allowance is to made for mistakes after closing time on Friday and Saturday nights said Barclays. ‘Customers repeatedly failing to align their forefinger with any of the buttons will still get enough for the night bus home.’

Varnishing and stuff

Wonderful day today. Temperature reached 26 at noon. Went for a ride on the bike in the morning and helped Bob varnish and oil some floorboards and doors for Wild Maid.

He's almost finished the coachroof epoxy sheathing.

One more coat tomorrow plus the sand (non-slip finish).

These are the punch holes (still need to be filled) where we re-clenched the nails of the planks.

Afternoon spent keeping out of the sun and reconfiguring my router to allow remote access to the cameras. Down to the club in the early evening for a quick pint.

Thoughts are on sailing in a bigger boat this year.

Woke early (went to bed early last night after cutting ALL the grass.) Ready for a new house viewer. Seems that Dee knows the lady from her days at Audley End House.

Viewing over - back to the beach via Frankie and Bennies and The Triangle shopping centre. Mooched around on the balcony until it was time to go to the club for a pint - never made it - bumped into Bob who was in the shipyard working on his boat. Wild Maid (Finesse - how's that for a coincidence? - the name?) is going to look terrific when he's finished it - new teak cockpit floor boards, new fibregalssed coach roof etc. Talked so long, catching up on what has been happening over the winter, there was no time for a pint so collected some pita bread from the Co-op and headed home.

Noticed that Peter (next door) is back from hospital - good news - hope for a full recovery.

Made large scampi in tomoto sauce, garlick and chilli for supper (a light bite.) Must get some exercise tomorrow (maybe) or even a barbie?

Property woe for public sector workers

Public sector workers such as teachers, nurses, police and firefighters cannot afford to buy homes in seven out of 10 UK towns, the Halifax bank has said.

Surprise, surprise - talk about stating the bleeding obvious. Anyone thought of moving all the hospitals to the three remaining towns?

The Halifax arrived at its conclusions by dividing average regional property prices by average annual wages. It said property was most unaffordable in London and South-East England but property costs were also racing away from wages in other parts of the UK.

The government said it had worked hard to help key workers buy homes. Housing Minister Yvette Cooper said: "No government has done more to help key workers; since 1997 almost 25,000 key workers have got their first step on the property ladder through government shared equity and shared ownership schemes."

And still these buyers (in increasing numbers) continue to default on their 'reduced' payments. What are they spending their money (and the money they don't have) on? Lifestyle - that's what. They all want new kitchens, new cars, two holidays, designer labels and the ultimate accessory - kids. These two aspirations (house and lifestyle) are nearly always incompatible. Whatever happened to saving up until you can afford it, or even (god-forbid that any of my friends should see me shelf-filling at Tescos - besides it would ruin my nails) getting a part-time job?

"There is a real shortage of accommodation, both to rent and to buy, as hospital trusts have sold off a lot of on-site nurses' accommodation." However, public sector workers do enjoy some advantages over many private sector workers.

Such as?

• a job for life unless they do something really naughty (and even then they will probably be suspended on full pay) or they will claim to have a back or stress related injury (almost impossible to confirm it exists) whilst they indulge in a moonlighting job such as property development.
  
• an index linked pension.
  
• free uniforms.
  
• free or subsidised meals.
  
• free transport.
  
• free or subsidised child-care etc. etc.

They are often given preferential treatment by housing associations and have access to government sponsored shared-ownership schemes.

Helen Adams, chief executive of self-help website, firstrungnow.com, has noted a growing resentment on the site's chatroom against public sector workers. "Many of my site users have a bit of a beef with public sector workers. They see them going to the front of the queue in new developments and being given a financial leg-up which is not available to them."

It isn't any different now to what it was 40 years ago (and I should know as I started life as a nurse). In those days a nurse wouldn't have 'assumed' they could buy a house - even a back-street terraced in Coronation Street was beyond their means on a single income. As soon as I planned to marry and have a family I left nursing for a career in computing because nursing would not have given me the lifestyle (not that there was such a word in the '60s) that I aspired to.

There is no 'right' by low paid workers to own a house. (Thatcher is to blame.)

They could always:

• change jobs;
  
• move to a cheaper area;
  
• get an additional part-time job;
  
• rent (there will soon be a glut of houses for rent (and even buy at knock down prices) when the current property development 'boom' ends);
  
• marry someone rich;
  
• sell their children so they can work longer hours;
  
• sell a kidney;
  
• encourage their parents to die (or persuade them to hand over their house.)
  

We're all DOOMED. DOOMED I say Capt Mainwaring.

Surgical Strikes

Spent the morning cleaning and went to the pub for a late lunch.

Nothing better to do today but add a joke to the BLOG. Here goes........

Five surgeons are discussing who make the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says,

"I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds,

"Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says,

"No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in,

"You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

The fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed,

"You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable!"

A Walk into Town

Nothing much to say today, just uploading a few photos I took yesterday.

Seen this guy cycling on the beach a few times.

Ladybirds 'nesting' in a crack in the sea wall.

Asbestos decontamination unit at the Royal Albion Pub.

The guy shouted "don't take my photo - I'm signing on this afternoon" everyones's a comedian.

Demolition site on sea front - wonder what's going to be built?

Meg and Adam on Pier Train Ride

Misty start to the day

The weather is still great but it's v.misty. One of those days which makes you recall previous early mornings, waking up on a small boat tied up in some estuary, peeing over the side so not to wake anyone else on board by using the heads down below. Smelling the bacon cooking on other boats who are tied up in the same area and who have woken even earlier than yourself. I'm going to get a lot more of that (hopefully) a bit later this year.







Yesterday was fairly quite, wonderful weather, kids on the beach. Adam is getting braver about being near the sea and having sand in his toes.









Home today for another house viewing tomorrow followed by lunch out with some friends.

HIP it isn't. (Home Information Pack) Opportunity for mass corruption

Hot on the heels of a previous ill-conceived Government initiative (the IT training scam - remember that - when dozens of companies set themselves up to train the IT illiterate and pick up Government (our) money for doing so) when companies took the trainees money but didn't deliver anything then declared themselves bankrupt? A case of the incompetent (or even fraudulent) leading the blind and naive.

A gang of crooks who ripped off the government for more than £2m through a fraudulent computer skills training course have been jailed for a total of nine and a half years. Stuart Leary, 39, of Poole, Dorset, John Stirling, 41, of Glasgow, and Steve Moran, 29, of Birmingham, savored a lavish lifesytle by exploiting Department of Education and Skills programme (DfES) set up to provide subsidised learning for students working from home. And these, albeit a higher profile, weren't the only ones at it.

This is the latest potential scam, fraud, fiasco. Don't politicians ever learn from the past? Does the delivery never measure up to the hype? Don't they ever think things through? Whatever happened to risk assessments and exit strategies?

Michael Coogan, head of the Council of Mortgage Lenders (CML), said HIPs now looked like a costly indulgence. The aim of the HIPs is to provide potential buyers with much more information right at the start of the home buying process. The government hopes this will cut out unnecessary delays and reduce the amount of money wasted on aborted transactions.

Commenting on yesterday’s Budget and its impact on the future of Labour’s planned Home Information Packs, Shadow Housing Minister Michael Gove said:

“The Budget threw the future of Home Information Packs into even greater confusion. Buried in the Budget's detail the Chancellor has declared that the Energy Performance Certificates - the remaining keystone of HIPs - no longer need to be provided when properties are marketed.

This announcement undermines the approach Ruth Kelly's Department has been taking for the last twelve months. The Chancellor also indicated that while HIPs could be introduced 'later this year' he gave no undertaking to stick to the June 1st launch date. Even Kirsty Alsop is agin them and would, if asked, probably say that she would like to"knock them down".

However, for the astute and COMMERCIALLY ETHICAL it could offer a tremendous opportunity to create a UNIQUE SELLING POINT AND VALUE PROPOSITION. (I'm not about to give that bit of info away for nothing - if you can't figure it our for yourself - then give me a call.)

The Home Information Pack (as currently configured) is a bureaucratic, one size fits all attempt at regulating the property market. It won't work, is DOOMED to failure and it won't be long before it flounders on the rocks of practicality.

It means more costs for sellers and potentially more costs therefore for buyers. It will actually contribute to a constriction of supply in the market. HOWEVER, it won’t give buyers the confidence that they deserve and it also won’t give lenders what they demand in order to ensure that they can back up any transaction.

It's not just me. The house selling industry is also split. Nick Salmon is an estate agent who represents Splinta – Sellers’ Pack Law Is Not The Answer. He says (paraphrasing).......

Would you rely upon a survey that had been done 6 months ago? This pack is produced by the seller. The buyer must still beware as ever. Wouldn’t any solicitor worth his salt say to me you should get your own survey done because you can't be sure how old that information is, whether it’s still true and relevant.

The lender is unlikely to accept it (because if he did he would loose some additional potential revenue). They’re going to do their own valuation survey because there isn’t a valuation in the pack, is there.

In the United States where they’ve had automated valuation models for over a decade, they are still making physical inspections of over 40% of the properties that people apply for mortgages on. It’s going to be similar over here.

Turnround time? They’re talking in terms of five days eventually, but there is an awfully long way to go before that happens because the technologies are not in place. You won’t be able to put your property on the market for up to two weeks after you instruct the agent whilst the pack is being prepared.


Three quarters of failed transactions are due to something that the buyer does, not the seller. Buyers are very good at pulling out of deals and they do it for a whole host of reasons. Less than 4% of all failed transactions are due to an unexpected bad survey. The biggest factor in people pulling out of a deal is because they can’t find something they want to buy in the sellers case.

Also we’re going to need over 7,000 inspectors nationally. Of the first 500 who took their exams, 200 of them failed (the next bit of news will be that the Government is "dumbing-down" the exam to get more passes) and we’ve only got 15 months to get these people in post. That isn’t going to happen, is it?

What happens if the inspector doesn't point out something that you, the buyer, thinks is important and which later costs you money (like a serious building defect). Are the inspectors or their company going to be liable? You can bet they aren't. They'll smother their report with a get-out clause in every paragraph. Therefore it won't be worth the paper it's written on. What a recipe for disaster.

Trevor Kent says "Trading Standards Officers will be able to fine private sellers £200 a day if they are overheard mentioning their home is on the market in the pub, if they haven't got a HIP.

Agents can be fined AND banned from ever earning a living as an estate agent if they are similarly caught offering their clients' homes for the first 14 days before their already ordered HIP arrives.

Shortage of Domestic Energy Assessors who will spend an hour poking round each home BEFORE permission to market is given will have to send their reports on the property to the government (even if the house eventually doesn't even go on the market) and the average cost to owners whether or not it sells will be £600. What the government will do with 2m reports a year is anyone's guess."

Police Raid Coronation Street Underworld (Romanians and Bulgarians in London's Hyde Park)

Sign on building in Sofia where I worked over several years.

View from my office in the Telco building.

Hotel where I stayed when working in Sofia (Sheraton Balkan)

Coronation Street's Underworld Factory has been raided for illegal immigrants. Super mouth Janice grassed-up the wrong one this time.

Sometimes IT actually works (rarely I know but.....) we know exactly where any untaxed car is located among the millions of cars in Britain but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and Terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the DVLA in charge of immigration?

Unemployed immigrants from eastern Europe are sleeping in tents in the middle of Hyde Park. Groups of Romanians and Bulgarians seeking work in London are taking these desperate measures because they are homeless and penniless.

The immigrants refuse to return home, even though Westminster council has offered to pay for their travel. The men and women, who have no money to pay for accommodation, are typically choosing secluded wooded spots in the park and setting up camp once it gets dark. Many will pitch their tents in one spot for a few nights, then pack up and move to another. They say they are able to get away with camping in the park, which is illegal, because there are no wardens and they rarely see any police. The immigrants refuse to return home, even though Westminster council has offered to pay for their travel, because they are convinced they will be able to find work.

Piles of packed down cardboard boxes, empty food packets, drinks cartons and discarded plastic bags litter the area that the immigrants have vacated. The camp has sprung up despite regulations limiting the number of low-skilled workers from the two countries being employed in Britain.

Assuming that they are all low-skilled is a cop-out. Some of them may be but not all of them sleeping rough are bound to be. Many of the people I have met from both of these countries are more highly skilled than some of the Brits who were supposedly 'teaching' them how to do things.

If you happen to find yourself in Sofia you should have a great night visiting the VIP Arms and Shooting Complex. Your hotel will arrange a booking and transport. There is a great restaurant in the club and the drinks are reasonably priced. You can shoot loads of pistols, rifles and shotguns in an air conditioned range. Pictures of some of the weapons are below.

Late news today.

Bulgaria intends to purchase from Russia the license for production of the Kalashnikov machine gun. The license will be valid for five years Russian information agency ITAR-TASS reported.

Documents regulating the long-term co-operation of the two countries in the field of military equipment will be ready by the beginning of May 2007. Military and political officials from Russia have often accused Bulgaria and other East European countries of intellectual piracy. Countries in the region, (which were once allies of the Soviet Union in the Warsaw Pact) continue to produce cloned / copied Soviet military equipment without licenses.

Euphemisms and Iran Hostages

Good Friday.

Gus and Gaz came round this morning which was handy because Gaz could manage or 'art direct' the photographer from High Shots who needed to take some more photos of the house. The result - a set of really good high-res, photos.

Want to hear what Dr. Ahmadinejad has been saying from his side of the fence (making allowances for what might be lost in translation). Can you believe anyone any more?

Want to see his (Dr. Ahmadi Nejad, Honourable President of Islamic Republic of Iran) website?

He (or someone doing it for him, is quite an active Blogger http://www.ahmadinejad.ir/ )

Great news that the RN/RM crew are back home.

Here are some IT related spins.........

A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED
We are still p**sing in the wind and haven't a clue what to do next.

AN EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM
We just hired three kids fresh out of college, they might be able to fix it but the report might buy us some time.

WE HAVE CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION
We have decided who we are going to blame.

WE HAVE MADE A MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH
It works OK, but looks very techie.

CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS ASSURED
We are so far behind schedule the customer will be happy to get anything we deliver.

PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE
The darn thing blew up when we switched it on.

TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING
We are SO surprised that the thing works.

THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED
The only person who understood the thing quit.

IT IS IN THE PIPELINE
It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is hopeless.

WE WILL LOOK INTO IT
No chance, forget it! We have enough problems already.

PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL (This memo.)
We need to spread the responsibility for the screw up.

GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING
We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't contradict what we've already done.

GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION
I can't wait to hear this bull s**t!

SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS
Come into my office, I'm lonely. I need a friend. OR "interrup me if you dare"

ALL NEW
Parts are not interchangeable with the previous design.

RUGGED
Too damn heavy to lift!

LIGHTWEIGHT
Lighter than RUGGED.

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT
One version finally worked (after a fashion).

ENERGY SAVING
Achieved when the power is switched off.

LOW MAINTENANCE
Impossible to fix if broken. Scrap it, buy a new one - it'll be cheaper than calling an engineer.

Counter terrorism rules KO

A public school teacher was arrested today at Gatwick Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Home Secretary John Reid said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Metropolitan Police with carrying weapons of maths instruction."Al-gebra is a problem for us," Reid said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'x` and `y` and refer to themselves as `unknowns,` but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with co-ordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle".

When asked to comment on the arrest, Prime Minister Tony Blair, speaking from his holiday resort before the planes stopped flying, said, "If God had wanted us to have better Weapons of Maths Instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

Improvising / taking a liberty plank

Missing life on board ship?

Here‘s how to recapture the atmosphere of the old days and simulate living onboard ship.

• Build a shelf in the top of your wardrobe and sleep on it inside a smelly sleeping bag.



• Remove the wardrobe door and replace it with a curtain that’s too small.



• Wash your underwear in a bucket every night then hang it over the water pipes to dry.



• Four hours after you go to bed, have your wife whip open the curtains, shine a torch in your eyes, and say “sorry mate, wrong pit”.



• Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the centre of the bath and move the showerhead down to chest level.



• Store beer barrels in the shower enclosure.



• When you have a shower, remember to turn off the water whilst you soap.



• Every time there is a thunderstorm, sit on a wobbly rocking chair, and rock as hard as you can until you are sick.



• (Mandatory for engineering types) – Leave a lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours a day to re-create the proper noise levels.



• Have the paperboy give you a haircut.



• Once a week blow compressed air up your chimney. Ensure that the wind carries the soot over your neighbour’s house. When he complains, laugh at him.



• Store your rubbish in the other side of the bath for a month.



• Wake up at midnight every night and make a sandwich out of anything you can find, preferably using stale bread. Optional: cold soup or canned Ravioli, eaten out of the tin.



• Devise your family menus a week in advance without looking in the fridge or larder.



• Set your alarm to go off at random times throughout the night. When it goes off, leap out of bed, get dressed as fast as you can, put on a lifejacket and then run down into the cellar with the garden hose, a sledge hammer and wooden wedges (damage control kit). For good measure have someone throw thunderflashes in after you.



• Once a month, take every major household appliance apart completely then re-assemble (by candle light).



• Use 4 spoons of coffee and 6 sugars per cup then allow it to sit for 3 hours before drinking.



• Invite about 85 people (samll ship) who you don’t really like to come and live with you for a couple of months.



• Install a small fluorescent light under your coffee table and then lie under it to read books.



• Raise the thresholds and lower the tops of all your doors in the house. Now you will always hit your head or skin you shins when passing through.



• Whilst baking cakes prop one side of the cake tin while it is baking. When it has cooled, spread icing really thickly on one side to level it out again.



• Every so often throw your cat in the swimming pool, or bath and shout “man overboard”, then run into the kitchen and sweep all the dishes onto the floor while yelling at your wife for not having secured for sea properly.

Gus in da house

Gus came round to look after us both today. We did loads of cool things. Played with marbles, read Postman Pat and Noddy books, had a sleep, played in the garden and gave carrots to Janie.

Specially liked driving the Gator at Grandad and seeing him jump out of the way. Kept missing him so washed and waxed this off-roader instead.

Cancelled an existing personal appointment because I was asked to attend one in Ilford / London Borough of Redbridge tomorrow. Then, at the last minute, they cancelled. Seemed very unprofessional to me so told them to forget it. Too old to be messed around (grumpy).

Wine vs. Water

It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of E coli bacteria found in faeces; in other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop!

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine, rum, whiskey, vodka, beer or other liquors, because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

Ergo, it is better to drink wine and talk crap than to drink water and be full of it.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I am doing this as a public service

Speaking of people who drink designer water and drive their Chelsea Tractors at speed in the middle of narrow country roads (picking young Jocelyn up from his prep school) our village is trying to get a 30mph limit. It already has a 40mph limit and the Parish Councillor and residents have lobbied for mobile control cameras. Thought you might like to see one in action (picture below).

I'd be more interested in seeing the car that produced this result (and owning one.)

Xenophobic? Moi? You might think so. I couldn't possibly comment.

Spy story in the news today.

The wife and friends of murdered former spy Alexander Litvinenko are launching a justice foundation in his name. His widow Marina, close friend Alex Goldfarb and Russian billionaire Boris Berezovsky hope the foundation will assist investigations into his death. The 43-year-old Russian, a former KGB officer, died last November in London. His body contained high levels of radioactive substance polonium-210. The Litvinenko Justice Foundation will be formally launched in London later. All of which links to ...................................

On this day in history (1922) Stalin succeeded Lenin.

(Not many people know this.)

The son of a shoemaker, Stalin studied (1894–99) for the priesthood in the theological seminary at Tiflis, but he was expelled. While still a divinity student, he became a convert to Marxism and joined the Social Democratic party in the Caucasus. He became a disciple of Lenin after the split (1903) of the party into the two factions - Bolshevism and Menshevism.

Whilst we are on the subject of foreigners............

We (the British) are constantly reviewing terrorist threats and have raised our security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Some specific terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British Government issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are excited to see their new submarines on station. These beautifully designed vessels come equipped with glass bottoms (so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy - Armada).

Don't rush me I'm on my holidays

Weather wonderful today. Strong sun and even the wind wasn't too cold. So went fishing off the beach in front of the house. (No action photos - too busy). Used some frozen lug. Managed to catch a couple of small cod - threw them back. Felt wonderful as this means I have broken my duck on this stretch of beach. There must have been a lot of fish out there at high tide for me to catch anything. Didn't even feel them on the line or see the rod twitch. Just found them there when I reeled in to see if there was still bait on the hook. Back home for a late lunch and afternoon nap.

Had a call from a Littlebury villager - Lady Jane had been wandering about and was now in her field. Rang Gaz - he went and sorted it out - no fence broken - probably just left the gate open.

Time for tea - can't think what to have (should have kept the cod!!)

Another Lazy Sunday

Got up late, bacon butties then a stroll along the beach road into town. MUCH braver (and fitter) than me - these windsurfers (bet it was V.COLD).

I have only done this once, (about to namedrop) off the coast of Tobago. I reckon that I was 50% successful. Got up on the board, didn't fall off, sailed for miles, out over the reef heading for Trinidad. It was after quite a long time that I thought I had better turn and head for shore (which looked a long, long way away). It was then that I found out that I didn't know how to turn round (and I wasn't getting off the board, there were sharks and baraccudas there that I'd been fishing the day before). Thankfully, my boss (Eric who we were on holiday with) was starting to panick about getting to the airport so he sent a launch to tow me back. I actually got on the plane wearing only a towel and flipflops (sunburn too intense).

Think you can see that the sea is quite rough. Another shot below.

Several fishermen on the beach near the cafe (coming up to high tide).

Another shot looking back towards East Cliff.

Had a pint at Walton and Frinton Yacht Club, (adjacent boat yard crane below) then home for lunch and an extended power nap.